Squirrel Fuckery and Writing Updates

I’m a busy fella right now. Aside from being stuck at my day job for 10-plus hours a day, 6 days a week, I’ve been submitting stories, editing for a secret anthology, and working on Book 3. That doesn’t include daily familial duties, such as waiting impatiently for my wife to cook supper (because my cooking skills have gone downhill), Cub Scout and upcoming sport activities for my son, cleaning, general home upkeep, and, of course, furious masturbation.

angrywank

That’s why I’ve decided to drop some quick word vomit on you to provide an update on my life and writing. (As if you give a shit, right?)

Let’s start off with why I have a newfound hatred for squirrels, shall we?

 

General Squirrel Fuckery

I fucking hate you.

whome

No, not you. You.

whomesquirrel

Yeah, you. Fuck you, squirrel. Fuck you and your cute little twitching nose and equally twitchy, bushy tail; your little tree-climbing claws and funny little praying-mantis-esque eating hand gestures; your black, beady, soul-sucking eyes; your baby-coo-inducing chitter noises.

See, back in December of 2015, I ushered my son into my car and hauled some early Christmas goodies to my mom’s house. On the ride home, a squirrel ran out in front of us. Being the kind-hearted guy I am, I swerved to avoid it and slammed on the brakes. Unfortunately, the fuzzy little bastard still rammed into my driver’s side front tire.

My car started wobbling like me after one of those previously mentioned furious wanking sessions. I pulled over to find a huge bubble on the sidewall of my passenger side front tire. (Yeah, the passenger tire, not the driver’s side tire. Weird.) Got the tire replaced not an hour later at Firestone, a swanky, shoddy maintenance repair shop, because it was a Sunday and no other place was open.

The car—and in particular, the steering wheel—continued to shake and wobble. I let that shit slide for almost two months before my wife reminded me how annoying it was. I took the car back to Firestone. They inspected everything, had me pay for an alignment because the Impala’s back end was skewed 32 degrees, and stated they found nothing else wrong.

I drove off, content. And then the fucking steering wheel shook in a spasmodic rage. I took it back. Firestone stated they could find nothing wrong. I sought a second opinion elsewhere. They noticed the front driver’s side tire was cupping. Called a buddy. Rotated the front tire to the back per his suggestion. Car drove just fine. No wobbling. Smooth as my hairy ass.

Regardless, I had to have that crappy tire replaced as well.

The Impala drives like new now. But, thanks to a furry little fuck, it cost me over $500 in plastic debt to get it driving right again.

So, yeah. Fuck you, squirrels of the world. I hope you choke on a fucking acorn.

ballsstucksquirrel

This would also suffice as revenge.

What’s New in the Writing World?

As far as the writing world goes, I’ve got multiple projects going at any time now. Ideas keep popping into my brain at the most inopportune times and my fingers keep flying across keyboards. Even when I try to take a day off from everything, my conscience gives me a swift kick in the ass to urge me to keep doing my writer thang.

I’ve submitted 3 stories for anthologies thus far in 2016. All three have different themes but stay within the realm of horror. I haven’t heard back on any of them yet, but I’m hopeful at least one makes it into a collection. As the release dates for Books 1 and 2 draw near, I want to build hype by getting some short work published in a vain attempt to lure in more readers.

Also, for the past few months I’ve been working on a secret anthology project with an author I admire (and stalk, though he doesn’t know that. Well, maybe he does now…). For some reason, he believes I can edit well enough to have his name plastered next to mine on a book cover this year.

oh-sorry-bro

It’s going well, and such a project allows me to switch from writing to editing, keeping my sluggish brain fresh and rejuvenated. More details to come as time passes.

A few weeks ago, my sole writerly focus switched to Book 3. It was due in May, but I had to ask for an extension because of the number of hours and days I’ve been working the past couple of months. It’s nowhere near completion, but I’m putting all other writing works on hold until it’s been polished and sent to the publisher. That may mean a later release date in 2017, but I’ll take that.

After that? More short stories. More editor credits. And more novels.

cantstopwontstop

 

Random Wrap-Up

One last time: Fuck squirrels. They create unwanted debt. May a special place in Hell be reserved for these horrid fucks.

But on the writing front, it’s already been a productive year. Before 2016 ducks behind the horizon and kicks 2017 into our lives, I should have 3 books on the market with my name attached to them in some form, plus a possible handful of stories in collections.

I told you I was going to make 2016 my bitch. And I will.

Stay tuned. There’s more randomosity coming soon. (Well, probably in a month again. Just stay tuned.)

JO

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