You know what time it is? It’s time to slather some masculinity all over your clean-shaven chin, ya damn pansy.
That’s right. It’s November. A month dedicated to raising awareness and cultivating serious conversations. 30 days of growth and donations which benefit often-overlooked male issues, such as prostate cancer. One-twelfth of the year in which water conservation becomes hip. The month real men step forward and display their face coozies and cockfros with pride.
I know, I know—It’s already halfway through the month, so this list is a tad late. And I also know some of you can’t participate because you’re military, or your boss frowns on excessive man-fur, or your significant other keeps your shriveled testes inside their purse. However, whether or not you’re able to or choose to participate in No Shave November or Movember (collectively known as Manvember from this day forth), no one can deny November is the one month a year where men are allowed to be men for a greater good.
So let’s celebrate this machismo-oozing season in fashion by breaking out a balls-deep list of manly things.
Be a Man-Maid
You know, it really wouldn’t hurt you to get off your videogame-addicted ass and help around the house every once in a while. Especially during the manliest month of the year.
Yes, I’m a dude and I’m nagging. But hear me out: If you help around the house, you might get some poontang for your efforts. You know, that thing you only get once a year now that you’re married.
So stop worrying about maintaining your rough, callused skin and do some damn dishes. Pop in some earbuds, crank up the volume, and maneuver that sleek vacuum while rockin’ out to some Lordi or Devildriver. Grab that aerosol can and a rag, and blast some dust bunnies into lemon-scented oblivion.
Then reap the benefits of sexual gratification. (Just be sure you don’t work so hard cleaning that you diminish your stamina. You deserve a full minute of fun for all your hard work.)
Funk it Up
Go ahead, dig those dirt-covered fingernails into your leathery scrotum with pride and then sniff your own funk as if it were a line of blow. Allow hearty belches to erupt from the pit of your gut in operatic style. Drop some stink bombs on your unsuspecting children and pets. Guffaw as the scent of your manliness washes over everyone around you, and nap assured that you’ve marked your territory and grunted loud enough to keep estrogen at bay.
There is an assortment of man-tested, woman-unapproved activities to get you in the Manly Spirit. So hop to it, man!
Watch a Real Sport
If you’ve read any of my other numerous boring blog posts, you already know I dislike most major sports. Football? Baseball? Wrestling? Pffft. I’d rather get my nuts caught in a metal slinky than withstand hours of meaningless sports footage.
However, there is one sport which really gets my cholesterol-laden blood pumpin’: MMA.
Celebrate this month of man-ness with some blood, broken body parts, cheap sack taps, and good old-fashioned brawls. Your raised testosterone levels will thank me later.
Talk Out the Trash
While you’re watching muscular men and women beat the living shit out of each other, don’t forget to partake in one of the manliest activities ever: Trash talk.
Call your best friend out…on everything. It doesn’t even have to pertain to MMA. Verbally pummel his favorite team or sports figure. Talk smack on his favorite redneck Nascar driver’s vehicle. Demean the chest size of his favorite swimsuit model.
Allow your pessimism and manliness to choke the air around you and then laugh and talk more shit after your buddy starts to cry like a little bitch.
It’s just what real men do.
Relive The Fappening
After your buddy cries himself into womanhood, keep that almost-empty box of tissues handy. You’re going to need them if you want to participate in the most rigorous manly activity on this list.
That’s right. I’m giving you full permission to enjoy some good old-fashioned hardcore pornography. And you know what? Expanding one’s horizons is said to be the essence of humanity. So get gross with it, you manly man, you.
Steal Like a Hog
Wanna be a man? Act like one. Hog the covers when you go to bed tonight. The infuriated look on your significant other’s face will be priceless.
And don’t worry about repercussions. Doghouses aren’t really that expensive.
Workout? No, Take-Out
Yoga. Meditation. P90X. Squats. Burpees. Treadmills. Some dude in a leotard shouting, “Get pumped! Pound it out! Go go go!”
Meh, fuck all that workout jazz. Give your abs and mouth muscles the best workout possible by ordering some take-out food instead.
Oh, and be sure to do some 12-ounce curls for good measure. Those forearms need more than gratuitous masturbation to stay toned.
Make a Man Cave
Screw an old-school study. Since the dawn of time (or the early 2000s if you want to be an ass), Man Caves have redefined ballsack-laden men. If you don’t already have a place to go to enjoy your favorite videogame or Playboy issue, then now’s the perfect time to make your own stinky little domicile within your domicile.
Got a garage? Maybe set aside a small corner as your own personal man space. Got a spare room? Fuck turning it into an office or play room or—heaven forbid—a lame room for Baby Number 2.
Flip that shit into a Man Cave. Then shut the door and break out the porn and crusty tube socks.
Wear Real Jeans, Fatass
Just a quick question: Does this look like something a real man would wear?
If it does, you should rush on over to iTunes and purchase every song ever recorded by Drake. And if not, breathe a sigh of relief. Your Man Card won’t be revoked.
No man should wear skinny jeans. Ever. For any reason. Real men wear Wranglers or Southpole or Levi’s. The brand doesn’t really matter. Leaving room for your nuts to breathe, however, does.
If you own a pair of skinny jeans, toss them out. Burn them. Pass them on to your gangly teenaged daughter.
If you want to keep your Man Card, don’t be caught wearing them ever again.
Make it Manvember
You know what? Fuck it. Grow your damn hair out…everywhere. Let your ol’ stinkhole become a hirsute jungle. Let the pubes grow so wild that 80s kids stop to gawk at the image of Gizmo shrouding your nether regions. Let people think a Chia pet claimed your jawline. Braid your back hair, your chest hair, even that tuft of hair jutting out from behind your knees. Let those stank-ass pit hairs tickle your kneecaps.
It’s Manvember, man. Celebrate.
If you can make time for even a few of the fun things from the list above, you’re well on your way to claiming the patriarchal position in your household.
Let your man-funk invade the nostrils of your loved ones. Then pop open a cold can of Coors, kick those gouty feet up, and crank up the unofficial Manvember anthem below. You deserve it, Macho Man.
Stay tuned. There’s more randomosity coming soon.