Gettin’ in the Mood

Certain things just get you in the mood, you know?

It could be something simple. A gentle caress. A yearning for skin contact. The weather. A night at the local strip club. The way someone looked at you when you bent over in front of the photocopier.

Or maybe you’re one of those people who requires a more intricate arousal ritual. A steamy book. Classic pornography. A bunch of oily men in tights bouncing around on a giant mattress-like object with ropes.

Regardless of what gets your blood pumping to neglected parts of the body, you have to answer the call. It’s a primal, often subconscious urge. You can’t deny it. It makes certain appendages rigid of their own accord. It makes you sopping wet with anticipation. It can even harden your nipples.

Bruh.

Bruh.

I’m not afraid to admit it: I’m in the mood right now. And whether I have to do this in solitude or not, I’m going to heed my urges. I will feed my inner sinner, and I will do so with a wicked grin upon my face.

And when I get to my Man Cave, I will crank up the fucking volume and rock out to some good ol’ rock and roll whether anyone else likes it or not.

Wait. Did you think I was referring to…?

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While you fucking pervs get your minds out of the gutter, let’s talk about what gets you hot and sweaty, shall we?

Let’s Talk About Music, Baby

Music has the power to move you. A good rhythm can make your chicken legs shake in those fugly-ass skinny jeans. A catchy hook can make you hum or whistle a lewd song at church. The right composition might even compel you to prance around in a tutu while screaming Frozen lyrics at the top of your lungs. (And who gives a shit if you have a son and no daughter? Real men wear tutus.)

Music can be inspirational. Many a written scene has been composed with background music subconsciously setting the tone and theme. Movie scenes and scripts have been influenced by overheard lyrics. Crashing cymbals and hectic guitar riffs can inspire some much-needed mosh-pit-esque exercise.

Music can enhance your mood. Harmonic voices—or straight instrumentals—can instill a deeper sense of peace or relaxation at the spa. Gritty screamo noises might make you feel especially reclusive while you smoke meth down in your dank basement and contemplate how much your life sucks because your parents expect you to get a job—a fucking job!—at the age of 17. And Marvin Gaye’s smooth, baritone voice can drop panties quicker than a picture of Channing Tatum.

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Music is, quite simply, therapeutic. If you know how to search the web, it’s free. And you can listen to it in the comfort of your home or car without having to sit in a room reluctantly telling a stranger about that time Uncle Bobby touched your “pet hamster”.

Best of all, no matter the situation, there’s music out there to complement it.

 

The Mythical G-Spot—Er, Chord

Maybe you’re pissed off because your son ate all of your goddamned Spongebob fruit snacks again. Head-banging to some Slipknot could help release your pent-up rage. Maybe the hardest rock you can stomach is something softer, like Three Doors Down. Or maybe you’d prefer to take an audio chill-pill and listen to some Beethoven instead.

Maybe you want to ditch Rosie Palmer and her five calloused friends and actually get laid for once. Usher gets some people’s buttholes a-tinglin’, but others might enjoy some Marilyn Manson or Kelly Clarkson playing in the background while attempting to reach a climax.

With so many possibilities, how can you choose the right music to enhance the moment?

That’s the beauty of music: There are no hard-and-fast rules or recommendations. It’s all based on personal taste.

Like rap? Then go ahead, whip out some Bone Thugs or Ludacris or Snoop Dogg and get crunk.

Got a little country in ya? Boot-scoot on over to your dusty CD collection and choose your favorite depressing country album.

Raise devil horns on your hand like a pro and crank up some Korn (pre-dubstep), Disturbed, Metallica, or Five Finger Death Punch.

Fuck the whole neighborhood up by blasting your yodeling mixtape from every window in your studio apartment, if that’s what fits the moment.

No matter your preferences, use that rotting organ in your skull to figure out which song or score suits you here and now, turn the volume up, and bask in the glory of natural mood enhancement.

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This Is How I Do It

Still stuck on ideas? Here’s how I’d pair up the examples from earlier in the post with winning soundtracks:

-A gentle caress brings to mind Sublime’s “Caress Me Down.” You can even act like you’re bisexual during the Hispanic verses. (Or is that bilingual?)

-Maybe your desire for skin contact isn’t sensual. Maybe you want to break your fist on someone’s nose. Limp Bizkit’s “Break Stuff” always makes me see more red.

-Maybe the weather makes you feel bold and redneckish. Tug those cowboy boots on, crank up some classic Garth Brooks, and let “The Thunder Rolls” drown out the sound of that approaching F-5 tornado.

-Did your recent outing to the strip club get you all hot and bothered? When you get home, wake up the significant other for a night of romping while Juvenile’s syrupy, soothing voice repeatedly advises to “Back That Azz Up.

-Did someone check you out while you were making copies of your stepmom’s nude pics at work? Act like you know you’re the shit and start belting out LMFAO’s “Sexy And I Know It.” For extra hotness, take your clothes off and rub your junk.

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-That steamy book would go well with The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch.” Or, if you’re a total fucking prude, I guess the Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself” would be better. (Gee.)

 -Classic pornography soundtracks are a hoot in and of themselves, but watching Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy dick down your great-grandma’s best friend would be more entertaining with NIN’s “Closer” blaring over your jizz-soaked laptop speakers.

-If oily muscle-bound dudes in leotards is your thing, the latest WWE theme song compilation CD or mp3 downloads might be enough to keep you sane until another geriatric icon comes out of retirement.

I can return to the ring in 2015. The doc has cleared me of reptile dysfunction.

I can return to the ring in 2015. The doc has cleared me of reptile dysfunction.

Random Wrap-Up

 Music can get you pumped up or help you wind down after work. It can get you in the holiday spirit. It can lighten a dark day. It can chase the sunshine and glittery rainbow-shitting optimists away. It can be the actual Fukitol of life.

The right music at the right time can make you float on ecstasy, and setting a musical undertone is as simple as following your personal preferences.

Therefore, music is freedom.

Go on. Getchya some. Enjoy.

And stay tuned. There’s more randomosity coming soon.

JO

**I’d like to hear what gets you in the mood. Please share in the comments below.**

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