Wait a minute? A review of a non-horror movie on a blog that claims to be mostly about writing and horror?

Oh, the horror!

Well, I can honestly say TMNT 2: Out of the Shadows was indeed horrific. Let’s break it down.

The Why

If I believe TMNT 2 was so horrible, then why did I go? Well, the first remake wasn’t terrible, in my opinion. I loved the badass new Shredder. I enjoyed the witty banter. And I’m a huge fanboy at heart: I used to buy every TMNT item I could from an early age until my first pube sprouted.

The revamp was a breath of fresh air and allowed me to revisit my younger years, when I had a head full of hair and an abundance of innocence. I thoroughly enjoyed it and even bought it for Christmas.

So if the first one was good, the second one must be better, right? That was my thought process on it. (Oh, and perhaps I promised a little leprechaun who resides upstairs in our home that I’d take him to see it, too.)

Boy, was I in for some major disappointment.

The Good

I’ve been accused of being excessively negative. So let’s focus on the good parts of TMNT2 first.

• Megan Fox. In a schoolgirl outfit. For several minutes. ‘Nuff said.

• The action held up to TMNT1 and was great eye candy. (As was Megan Fox. Have I mentioned that yet?)
• Beebop and Rocksteady. Casey Jones. Krang. The Technodrome. Baxter Stockman. Talk about a ’90s TMNT fan wet dream come true!
• It captured the old cartoon feel: Corny humor, impending worldwide doom, witty banter, and fun moments that mimicked episodes of the past.
• There was some cursing. Not from the Turtles, but rather Casey Jones. That was kind of cool to hear, being as how it’s a Nickelodeon movie.

Unfortunately, that’s where the good part ends.

The Bad, The Ugly, The Horror

• The CGI was terrible, even worse than the first one.
• The dialogue was stilted. I’m no pro, but…

  

• “Oh, hey, we don’t know what this is or what that is, or how this works. Let’s type it into this holographic PC and discover everything! Then, keep the audience out of the loop and don’t really explain anything. That’s good movie scripting right there!”
• Scene changes didn’t flow well. It felt like it was rushed and incoherent. For example, there’s a scene where the Turtles discover Beebop and Rocksteady are in Brazil. (Using their omnipotent PC, of course.) They decide to go after them. No mention of time passing–it felt as though they said it and were instantly on a plane. Many fast-forward scenes were terribly cut together like this. My brain still hurts.
• Krang had a pirate-like voice. Not the wavering, warbled voice from the cartoons. He reminded me of that squid-pirate thing from Pirates of the Caribbean. Totally fucking lame.
• Baxter Stockman laughed maniacally. Often. But it was about as convincing as female porn star orgasms.
• Deus ex machina after deus ex machina after deus ex machina. I rolled my eyes after the first one and then simply grew numb after that. It’s as though Michael Bay didn’t even try this time.
• The police chief was lame. Casey Jones was kinda lame. The Shredder wasn’t badass. The motorcycles Beebop and Rocksteady rode couldn’t keep up with a running human. The action was often blurry and difficult to follow. There was so much going on in the final battle that I was lost. Betrayals seemed to be dropped in at random, without reason. Characters were one-dimensional and didn’t remain true to themselves–only to the script.

There’s more I could bash it for. Too much more to write here.

So what would I give it? On a scale of 1 to 10:

And that’s coming from a die-hard fanboy who defended the remake to begin with.

Random Wrap-Up

I promised my son I’d take him to see TMNT2 when it came out months ago. He held me to it. Finances are strapped, but I said, “Fuck it. YOLO.” (Is that still a thing? I be down with the new-age lingo, yo.) As soon as I got off work, I grabbed him from daycare and we rolled straight to the theater. It was a surprise for him, as he’d thought I couldn’t afford it.

And the surprise for me was how fucking cowa-bungled this film was.

The best part of it all–aside from Megan Fox in a schoolgirl outfit, of course–happened about 10 minutes into the movie. At that point, my son turned to me with a big, genuine grin and uttered, “You’re the best dad ever.”

For that, I thank you, TMNT2. But for the shitty movie, I leave you with this:

Stay tuned. There’s more randomosity coming soon.

JO